Friday, October 5, 2012

Pulling Out Of The Rest Stop Of Grief

Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.  ~Dodinsky


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa

It is time to burn my fuel and leave the rest stop behind.  As a mater of fact, I believe I have back up reserves to supply anyone who may be in need?  Anyone?

Michael asked me last night why I don't write on my blog.  Well, I lead a pretty boring life, one I'm probably not grateful enough for, I've been stuck in a funk since mom died, the world really does not need another "Suzie Homemaker Blog"...and I feel like I need to sensor myself for friends and one wants to see me blubbering about silliness and seeming ungrateful for all the gifts that life has bestowed upon us....who really wants to read that?  

Who wants to hear about how angry I am at my mom's death, at a world that goes on and does not seem to have a clue how short life is and that people are walking around looking normal on the outside but dying on the inside.  Frustrated at how easy it is to "say" you "believe" in God, and that you have "faith" in him...but in your head you are screaming....WHY GOD?  Why do we have to suffer, lose people that we love, a struggle to exit on a selfish and self serving planet where we are all so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget to care?  And I do have Faith, and I do Believe, and I know that God is by my side, but boy do I feel alone and most of this world feels completely pointless at times.

But not always.  You can be relieved that I'm not going to jump off a cliff just yet!  KIDDING

I don't know what God's plan is.  But I know that I do care about life.  That I believe there is hope and meaning (even if it's just to be a good mom to Emma and Jared at times), and there is a way to spread kindness and love around to others and leave the rest stop of grief and mourning behind.  It is kind of a relief that life has gone on while I have been in a funk of grief and self pity this year.  It means that there is something to go back to.  That there is hope, and though my mom is gone and there are so many things that I will never be able to discuss with her, that by actually getting out of this funk and just by saying "I'm done" mom's time on this earth was not for naught...hopefully her soul is hanging out somewhere taking us all in and believing in me when I forget to believe in myself.

My mom used to say I'm my own worse enemy.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm idealistic..sometimes I live in a very black and white world and hold myself and others to impossible standards...and I become judge, jury, and executioner. I have shut out so many people this year, and almost succeeded in dragging my marriage into the darkness with me. What a lonely world this creates. I almost forgot that we are all human, that we make mistakes, and that we all have selfish may have a fairy tale moment from time to time, but most of the time life is a up hill trek.....I bet the view is beautiful when you get to the top.

So last night Michael reminded me that this is my blog.  This is my life.  It is not neat and tidy, and there are days that you might think I'm crazy...there are days I think I'm crazy, and lazy, and that I've given up...and some days that is probably true, but on most days I'm full of hope and love and I know that this world is a good place and I'm so grateful to be is a bit sadder without my mom, because, despite all of our ups and downs, in this far from perfect life she was my mom and will always be my mom, and the best way to thank her for bringing me into this incredible world is to live, love & forgive as many times as it takes to get to the top of that hill.

Thanks Michael for your honest feedback and your belief in me and us.

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