Pulling Out Of The Rest Stop Of Grief

Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.  ~Dodinsky

AND

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa

It is time to burn my fuel and leave the rest stop behind.  As a mater of fact, I believe I have back up reserves to supply anyone who may be in need?  Anyone?

Michael asked me last night why I don't write on my blog.  Well, I lead a pretty boring life, one I'm probably not grateful enough for, I've been stuck in a funk since mom died, the world really does not need another "Suzie Homemaker Blog"...and I feel like I need to sensor myself for friends and family...no one wants to see me blubbering about silliness and seeming ungrateful for all the gifts that life has bestowed upon us....who really wants to read that?  

Who wants to hear about how angry I am at my mom's death, at a world that goes on and does not seem to have a clue how short life is and that people are walking around looking normal on the outside but dying on the inside.  Frustrated at how easy it is to "say" you "believe" in God, and that you have "faith" in him...but in your head you are screaming....WHY GOD?  Why do we have to suffer, lose people that we love, a struggle to exit on a selfish and self serving planet where we are all so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget to care?  And I do have Faith, and I do Believe, and I know that God is by my side, but boy do I feel alone and most of this world feels completely pointless at times.

But not always.  You can be relieved that I'm not going to jump off a cliff just yet!  KIDDING

I don't know what God's plan is.  But I know that I do care about life.  That I believe there is hope and meaning (even if it's just to be a good mom to Emma and Jared at times), and there is a way to spread kindness and love around to others and leave the rest stop of grief and mourning behind.  It is kind of a relief that life has gone on while I have been in a funk of grief and self pity this year.  It means that there is something to go back to.  That there is hope, and though my mom is gone and there are so many things that I will never be able to discuss with her, that by actually getting out of this funk and just by saying "I'm done"...my mom's time on this earth was not for naught...hopefully her soul is hanging out somewhere taking us all in and believing in me when I forget to believe in myself.

My mom used to say I'm my own worse enemy.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm idealistic..sometimes I live in a very black and white world and hold myself and others to impossible standards...and I become judge, jury, and executioner. I have shut out so many people this year, and almost succeeded in dragging my marriage into the darkness with me. What a lonely world this creates. I almost forgot that we are all human, that we make mistakes, and that we all have selfish moments....life may have a fairy tale moment from time to time, but most of the time life is a up hill trek.....I bet the view is beautiful when you get to the top.

So last night Michael reminded me that this is my blog.  This is my life.  It is not neat and tidy, and there are days that you might think I'm crazy...there are days I think I'm crazy, and lazy, and that I've given up...and some days that is probably true, but on most days I'm full of hope and love and I know that this world is a good place and I'm so grateful to be here...life is a bit sadder without my mom, because, despite all of our ups and downs, in this far from perfect life she was my mom and will always be my mom, and the best way to thank her for bringing me into this incredible world is to live, love & forgive as many times as it takes to get to the top of that hill.

Thanks Michael for your honest feedback and your belief in me and us.

                                     Image From Watercolourdreams.blogspot.com

                      

Oh Where Oh Where Did July Go?

It is August 2nd already!  My mind is reeling trying to figure out just how July spend by so quickly!  As a matter of fact more than half of the year is over.  How did that happen!

July was an amazing month!  Emma took her first trip by herself to spend two weeks with her Nana Rollins in Myrtle Beach and didn't seem to miss us one bit!  My baby is growing up!  She will go back next year and hopefully go to an arts camp in Michigan.

We joined Emma for a week in Myrtle Beach as well.  We drove from North Brook, IL and went through some beautiful parts of Kentucky, Tennessee, and North Carolina.  It is wonderful to see different areas of our country.  I'm looking forward to heading back to North Carolina for a rock hunting trip!

The week in Myrtle Beach with Michael's family highlighted the fact that we don't get to spend enough time with our families.  It saddens me that Emma and Jared don't get to spend more time with their Nana, and they don't really know what cousins, aunts or uncles are.  Not trying to sound whiny, and I feel very blessed for the time we do get with family, but we do need to make more time for family and memories.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with this blog....there has to be something more productive to share!

 

Need A Theme

I find writing about my life, or lack of one, a bit boring!  It is time to figure out what to do with this blog, or to decide that computer social interaction just is not my cup of tea!  It is time to do some thinking about what I want my blog to be about, and get more professional, or jump ship.

Off to brainstorm.

Brave!

Jared and I went to see Pixar's Brave today!  I loved the movie and shed my share of tears.  It is a wonderful mother & daughter story that I can relate to so much as Emma and I journey through her preteens together!  A great family movie and even better for mother's and daughters to view together!

BRAVE

Determined to make her own path in life, Princess Merida defies a custom that brings chaos to her kingdom. Granted one wish, Merida must rely on her bravery and her archery skills to undo a beastly curse.

Star Spangled Sky!

Yesterday was the 4th of July and it was such and awesome day!  Michael and I rode our bikes to the village green to see the parade that Jared marched in with a friend while we ate ice cream that melted faster than we could eat it!  What and awesome time!  I was also blessed to be able to make dinner for a friend of Michael's that we took over to his 8th floor condo that had a beautiful view of Chicago.  I have never seen so many fireworks at one time...it was amazing!

Happy Birthday America!  And thank you Lord for our many blessings.

No Honesty Allowed

So, I have a blog, but I have no idea what to write about because every time I write a post that expresses truths from my point of view my husband says I sound like a whiny baby and says this is why I don't have friends or family in my life.  Hmm.  So, I could talk about the weather, my kids, the recipes I cook, the books I read, or just make up stuff so I sound positive and happy every moment of my day and don't bore anyone with my thoughts and view points on the going on of my world.

I apologize for being a whiny baby and sharing my disappointments and frustrations , and I will do my best not to complain and try to be grateful for the good, and especially the bad while I learn to accept how I'm treated by others (good and bad) with my chin up and a smile on my face!

Thanks for your honesty babe!  

Google+

As most of you know I am no longer on Facebook, but I would still like to keep in touch with my family and friends.  I have found that Google+ is a good way to do this.  I am still trying to figure out all the bells and whistles, but feel free to add me to your Google+ circle is you would like, or go check it out if you haven't already!  I also don't have email addresses for many of my family and friends, so feel free to share yours if you'd like!

phaewilk@gmail.com